It’s not uncommon for older women past a certain age to state, “It’s nice feeling needed” when they’re asked to help out at church, help care for a family member or friend, or asked to volunteer in their community. There comes a point for many women–and men, too–who have been useful their whole lives to suddenly feel not useful after the death of a spouse, divorce, empty nest, and/or retirement.
I’ll admit, I’m jaded at this point in my life. Our estranged twenty-two-year-old likely still needs me emotionally and will eventually remember that. Our teenager needs me to get her to and from school, to look over her assignments, and to provide her with emotional support (especially in this particular season of her life). My husband needs me for everything he can’t or chooses not to figure out on his own.
Bottom line, I feel done with feeling needed. My teen is going for her driving test very soon, and I told her I’d go with her to school until she’s comfortable flying solo. I know that won’t be the next day or even the next week. She’ll tell me outright when she doesn’t need me, but when she wants me to be with her. Simply put, sometimes she just wants to spend time with me, and other times she needs me.
I’m over feeling like certain people can’t function without me. What I gravitate towards, though, are people who want me. I want to feel wanted. Imagine feeling like that person is calling you because they want to hear your voice. Picture this other person wanting to hang out because they like being in your presence. No agenda. No burning need to take anything from you. In fact, they want to pour their presence and compassion into you even while you’re pouring yours into them.
Women in particular are socialized from an early age to take care of everyone around them. We’re taught to cook, clean, run errands, check behind, be aware, keep the calendar… When that time ends for many women, they find themselves adrift without someone to take care of, without someone relying on them to survive and function. They’re unable to see it as the gift of the opportunity to look after only themselves; that is too challenging, again, because of socialization.
I encourage us all to cultivate quality relationships with people who want us, not just need us. I encourage us to fill our lives with the enhancement of the spiritual, allowing ourselves to intersect with divine creation in whatever form that takes.
