It’s amazing how many stories emerge when one thinks, “A bear would never…”
We had a neighbor who found boyfriends on dating apps, I suspect in the “bargain” section. Either that, or she waited for candidates outside the local in-patient psych ward. She didn’t date them long before she moved them into her house with her two young children, a girl and a boy. The first one allegedly molested the little girl and physically abused the little boy, and he was the least creepy of the lot.
The second one love-bombed her. He was a “godly man.” I’m not sure which god, though I suspected Molech. (He was the Canaanite deity to whom the Israelites made their child sacrifices in the Valley of Ben Hinnom.) He made her put PureFlix on her TV. He claimed to know the former president personally. He got her and the kids going to church–her parents’ church–and he bragged about how they were going to make him a Sunday school teacher. He gave both of my girls the willies. He would walk by our house every day for some reason.
My younger daughter had a younger friend, a very pretty little girl. This guy asked them to come play with my neighbor’s daughter at their house while the mom was at work. One day these two girls were outside in our yard playing when he went by with the little boy and girl. He stopped and talked to my daughter’s friend, and she was torn. Her sense of self-preservation was warring with having been taught to respect her elders and not to antagonize the male of the species.
See, this is what women deal with, what we’re taught from the time we’re little–respect our elders and make life as easy for men as possible. How many girls are told to get their daddy’s refill on their drinks at dinner or to wait until their daddy has his food before they can eat? How many girls are told to hug Uncle So-and-so when they feel uncomfortable around him? As you saw in part 1 of “Why I Choose the Bear,” we’re told to ignore him in hopes he’ll stop, give up, or go away. That only works with the bear. If we’re aggressive in the face of the danger, there’s a good chance we’ll get hurt.
My daughter wasn’t about to leave her friend outside alone with this guy. I saw what was going on and called them in, called the police, then called the girl’s mom to let her know her daughter would be a little late getting home but that she was safe. The girls were shaking. This guy walked back and forth in front of our house, shouting stuff like, “And she calls herself a Christian! My little girl just wants to play with friends!” He thought he could manipulate me into giving him what he wanted. He finally left when he didn’t get a response. The police came, and the girls did a great job answering their questions. The guy later went to the other girl’s mom and yelled at her about her almost getting him put in jail when she hadn’t done anything in this situation. My older daughter, younger daughter, husband, and I all walked that little girl home.
My neighbor’s little girl was already traumatized by the first boyfriend, and she had trauma responses to angry tones. It was nothing to drive by our neighbor’s house and see Mom and her boyfriend fighting loudly right under the girl’s bedroom window. Eventually the boyfriend got kicked out. The mom later said, “He was fine so long as he took his meds.” I was thinking, Honey, if he has to take meds to control his temper, you need to pay attention to that red flag.
The guy was in a plum situation. He went from working to afford his car and a room in a boardinghouse to living rent-free in a nice house in a quiet neighborhood with a sugar mama. How did he get there? By checking my neighbor’s boxes. She wanted romance. She wanted someone who’d treat her kindly and babysit her kids so she wouldn’t have to pay someone to do it or put them in after school care. Before they got together, my older daughter who was 17 at the time was nanny for the little boy while I tutored the little girl during the day. One day the little boy was sick and the boyfriend showed up to babysit with the mom’s permission. The boyfriend had no clue how to take care of a sick child, and he gave my daughter the creeps. There wasn’t anything overt he was doing; it’s just, all her spidey senses were tingling big-time! The mom thought my daughter was probably overreacting. Problem is, with guys like this, once they are settled in, their true colors come out. Things continued to deteriorate in this situation until eventually the police had to escort him to the house while he retrieved his stuff.
My daughters, the little girl, her mom, and I all let out a heavy sigh of relief once that guy was gone. We hoped the neighbor would take the advice I’d given her and spend some time working on herself and being present and affirming with herself so she would stop picking up psychotic losers and bringing them into her home with her young children. Sadly, such was not to be.
