Tag: anxiety

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Mental Health Ministry

Getting in Touch With the Richness of my Emotional Life

Years ago I was training to be a chaplain. That’s a pastor who serves in secular settings, especially hospitals, the military, prisons, and hospice agencies. It’s a special kind of ministry, working with people in the midst of some life crisis, and the focus is less on a ministry of word (like you see with pulpit pastors) and more on a ministry of presence. We’re there. We’re present. Most of the time we listen. Sometimes we talk. Sometimes we offer a shoulder. Sometimes we share Coke and pork rinds. It’s a more fluid ministry, one that allows chaplains to live into their own creativity and outside-the-boxness.

I was a resident, and my supervisor and I got along grudgingly. I’d like to say he was invested in my improvement, but it so often felt like all he was invested in was breaking me as a chaplain, finding fault in everything I did so I’d quit and give up the calling. I’m made of sterner stuff than that, though. One of his constant gripes about me was that I “wasn’t in touch with the richness of my emotional life.”

I was telling my therapist about this, the therapist who’s seen me crying and yelling, cussing and laughing. I told Jen about that supervisor telling me I wasn’t in touch with the richness of my emotional life, and she said, “What the hell does that even mean?”

It comes down to trust. Neither that supervisor nor that group felt like a safe place to share my emotions. It’s not that I didn’t have them. I also expressed them openly and passionately–just not there. I let my feelings loose at home with my husband.

There were also other trust issues. I had been taught from an early age that expressing my emotions publicly was “making a scene,” and this was vehemently discouraged. Even when my grandma died, I was shushed in the hospital corridor so as not to disturb other patients or make a scene. So expressing raw, naked emotions in front of people I didn’t really know or trust was simply not going to happen.

I’m happy to say to that former supervisor, “Up yours!” as I live fully into the richness of my emotional life. I’ve poured emotion out in my counseling journey. I used my feelings about having anxiety and how I’m managing it as the basis for my first book. And now, the emotion is coming out, sometimes in trickles, sometimes in floods, as I write about what it was like raising my firstborn and the pain she caused us.

So what does “living into the richness of my emotional life” look like? It looks like having the bandwidth to deal with emotions. It looks like daring to say the hard parts out loud. It feels good and liberating and relieving.

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Devotional Thoughts Mental Health

Handling Anxiety–Old Testament and New

We think anxiety is a fairly new problem with which to deal. We talk about anxiety disorders and it’s not uncommon to see commercials on television or ads in magazines touting the benefits of this anti-anxiety medication or that one. In short, anxiety is in front of us in a way it wasn’t forty or more years ago.

Yet, anxiety is a timeless condition. Jesus spoke about not worrying in a passage that is quite familiar to me–and, in fact, one I include in Finding Peace. Imagine my surprise when I found another word on preventing anxiety, this time in the Old Testament book of Ecclesiastes.

Ecclesiastes is from the body of Old Testament wisdom literature, presumably written by Solomon. We sometimes joke that the theme of the book is the meaninglessness of everything. Life is meaningless. Death is meaningless. Work is meaningless. Laziness is meaningless. “Meaningless! Meaningless!” says the Teacher. “All is meaningless!”

What isn’t so meaningless, though, is finding joy in the every day. The Teacher says, “Always be clothed in white, and always anoint your head with oil. Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days of this meaningless life that God has given you under the sun–all your meaningless days” (Eccl. 9:8-9a, NIV). The lesson here is to make the most of each day. Be present in each day. This is a command; “Do this,” the Teacher says.

I love a good three-point argument, and the Teacher doesn’t disappoint. First, he says “always wear white.” Get dressed in clean clothes. Don’t be slouching around in your pajamas and grungy clothes every day. Second, the Teacher instructs his students to anoint their heads with oil. This was a basic grooming and hygiene practice for this time period. It would be the like the modern-day equivalent of washing and styling your hair. In other words, take care of your body. Last, he says, “Enjoy life with your wife, who you love.” Be mindful and intentional of your relationships. Enjoy them, not just life with your spouse but also your children, your grandchildren, your circle of friends who are like family. Live into the moments with them because those moments are so short.

In the New Testament, we encounter a different rabbi, a different but no less wise teacher. We see Jesus and hear his instructions. In the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5-7), we see Jesus telling his listeners how to live. His teachings have two main foci: Authentic faith living and not being wrapped up in temporal concerns. In the second part of chapter 6, Jesus tells his listeners to look around them, to see the flowers and birds. God takes care of them, so would not God take even better care of God’s own children? The birds don’t stress about working and never go hungry; they always have enough. The wildflowers that are so beautiful–even more beautiful than Solomon in all his royal robes, Jesus says–are tomorrow’s fire fuel. God makes them look that good, so God will also attend to our bodies’ needs for clothing.

Then Jesus gives a command, this time a “don’t.” “Don’t worry about tomorrow,” he instructs, “for tomorrow will take care of itself. Today’s got enough worries of its own for you to deal with” (Mt. 6:34). We don’t feel anxious about what’s going on now because we’re experiencing it in this moment. Anxieties come when we start fretting about some future event or concern. Will we be able to afford that new hot water heater? How will we pay for our child’s college? What if no one at the reunion talks to me? These are legit, real concerns, and many people struggle with them.

What Jesus is saying here is, “Be present to today.” A few verses before this one, Jesus asks, “Who of you can add one inch to his height by worrying?” We can’t. Worries, stresses, anxieties–however you want to label what you’re feeling and going through–do not benefit us in any way and, in fact, rob us of what joy we can find in today. My husband and I are in that “How are we going to pay for that new HVAC system?” season of anxiety. It’s hotter than Satan’s arm pit outside and our air conditioner chooses now to act up. If I were to spend all my time fretting about this very ugly reality, then I would forget to pay the here-and-now bills, feel too overwhelmed to want to shop for groceries, and be completely unable to show up for my girls. These are all of today’s concerns and responsibilities, and they are what require my attention now. As I live into these things, guess what happens? I manage to let go of some anxiety. The HVAC is still an issue. However, by following this simple command of Jesus, I have changed how anxious I feel.

However you choose to live into today, do it. Be present to every minute. Show up for yourself in ways both small and big–everything from getting dressed in the mornings to working out. Show up for others and be present in your relationships with them. Focus on the now instead of the uncertain future. These will all help you beat anxiety.

 

Categories
Mental Health

Embracing the Lizard Within

Week before last, my quite girly younger daughter had the opportunity to pet-sit for her best friend’s dad’s pets, which included two toads, a bunch of fish and snails, a bearded dragon, and the dubia roaches that make up the (I’m guessing) tastiest part of the lizard’s diet. The bearded dragon’s name is Spike, and he’s kind of cute–for a reptile. Spike lives in a decent-sized plywood box with heat lamps, rocks, fake logs, fake greenery, his food and water bowls, and even a hammock. He gets everything he needs.

In the wild, Spike’s little lizard brain would hone in on only one thing: Survival. He would eat, drink, have sex, and go wherever he needed to to regulate his body temperature. He lives in the here-and-now. He doesn’t fret over if he’s going to get fed or when. He doesn’t worry about if he’s going to roast under the lamps. He exists in each and every moment as it’s happening.

We humans have lizard brains, too. This is the brainstem, that part of the brain that serves only to keep us alive. It keeps our hearts beating, our lungs functioning, and our temperatures in check. It helps us to survive. This part of our brains doesn’t worry about what’s going to happen tomorrow or next week. It’s not, for example, stressing out about birthday parties or what its daughter’s community college is going to do about classes in the fall. It doesn’t stay up fretting over the snide barbs that supposed friend shot at us. It has no thought about bills or doctor’s appointments, or anything that jumbles up the other, bigger parts of our brains.

My challenge to you is to embrace your lizard brain. Let it have the run of your head for a few minutes. No, don’t take this to mean you have to propagate the entire species by yourself. But be like the lizard. The lizard only concerns itself with what is happening in this very moment. It only responds to threats that are right here in front of it right now. So, if there’s nothing trying to kill you or eat you, then there is nothing to respond to. That threat or that worry that wants to plague your mind doesn’t actually exist, so it doesn’t deserve your attention.

This looks like pushing the pause button on the other two parts of the triune brain. This looks like letting those two parts of the brain rest while the primitive lizard brain, which never rests, runs the show for a bit by itself. So, for a few minutes–two or three or five, at least–close your eyes and be in the moment. Focus on what you’re feeling against your skin. Think of what you’re smelling, what you can hear. Focus on your breathing as the air goes in and out of your body. Taking this time will reduce your anxiety and ease your stress, lowering your heart rate and your blood pressure. In this time of Covid-stress, we all could use some of that!

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Ministry

Living in the Both/And

Is your life of faith looking more like an either/or or a both/and? We tend to think of our life as disciples of Christ as being more of an either/or. We either have faith that God is with us or we feel afraid. We either feel grateful or we worry about money to pay the bills. We either acknowledge our blessings or we feel anxious in the midst of a crisis.

Christian faith is not an either/or, though. What if you knew that it’s more like a both/and?

Perhaps you’ve read things like, “Faith is the opposite of fear” and felt wracked by guilt, thinking your faith isn’t very strong during times of fear and anxiety. Maybe you’ve heard someone say, “Trust in God and everything will be alright,” and you have wondered if you trust enough and if anything will ever be alright again. These are either/or statements. They don’t speak to the reality of what you’re feeling, what you’re struggling through. They also layer feelings of shame and guilt on top of very real human experiences of fear, anxiety, and crisis.

Faith is not the opposite of fear because opposites cannot coexist. For example, it cannot be both cold and hot outside. It cannot be both light and dark. One cannot feel both love and apathy for someone. Yet, faith and fear can coexist, just like rain can fall when the sun is out. It is possible to feel anxious and fearful even while enjoying devotion to and communion with God. God’s presence with us does not take away from the fact we are completely human. At the height of my anxiety, God was no less present than she had been before my anxiety began.

At the same time, we can trust in God while we’re struggling. Our trust won’t take away the struggles. I have a friend who suffered through months of frustrations and anxieties following Hurricane Florence. Another friend, also a faithful Christian, recently felt the painful loss of her beloved sister. Crises still come to the faithful. Sometimes all we can do is allow the cries of our hearts to speak the words we can’t and in the midst of the storm pray earnestly, “Help me believe more. Help me trust more.” It’s not that we don’t believe or trust enough, but we want the reassurance of doing so even more, and we have faith that only God can give this to us. And still, we talk to God. Still, we listen.

We are living in the in-between zone of both/and. We are living in a time when people are genuinely worried about having money to pay next month’s bills even though they are praying and having daily devotionals with their families. There are people who are faithful disciples of God who are very sick. Their families are praying earnestly for their healing even as they feel sad about missing them and worried about their health. This is the reality of the Christian life in this world — an endless tension between our kingdom-oriented hearts and our physical and emotional selves. This is an okay place to be. We’re all here, if we only admit it. And God is here with us, giving us his endless love and grace.

 

Categories
Book Excerpts

Excerpt From “Devotionals for Anxious Christians”

Anxiety sucks, doesn’t it?

If you’re reading this book, you are probably someone who is struggling with anxiety and is a Christian and likely is feeling or have felt guilt and shame about feeling anxiety as a Christian. It’s a difficult place in which to be. I’ve been there and have friends who visit that anxious, guilty, faith-filled place from time to time.

This was me three years ago…

As a woman of faith and a minister, I know my Bible. I know all the pithy little “spiritual” sayings, and I’m sure you’ve heard them, too.

  • “Fear not” is in the Bible 365 times, so every day we should remember not to be afraid of anything.

  • God doesn’t put more on us than we can bear.

  • You just need more faith.

  • Leave it at the cross and don’t take it back.

  • Just pray about it more.

These are not helpful for people going through anxiety. I prayed a lot. God and I had many conversations. Never once did I doubt God’s love for me or lose my faith. I’m not one of those people who ask, “If God loves me, why am I going through this?” Sometimes, we just go through stuff, and God is much bigger than our junk.

God doesn’t put anything bad on us. That’s just an idolatry of self-sufficiency, because some people – good, faithful, God-loving people – have to go through much more than they can endure.

“Leave it at the cross and don’t take it back” is a favorite saying of my Dad’s. Anxiety doesn’t like being left behind, and no one wants to take it back. We can take our brokenness to the cross, but that doesn’t mean it’ll be healed for being there. The two thieves who were crucified with Jesus were at the cross in the moral brokenness, but they didn’t leave alive. They left in death, still condemned thieves. Mary, the mother of Jesus, was at the cross, an emotionally broken wreck. She left, still broken and sorrowful down to her soul.

In addition to these little secular quips cloaked as “spiritual” wisdom, there are ample Bible verses about being strong and courageous and about trusting in God. In fact, these verses present as commands directly to the reader of the words. Eventually, they become almost like new commandments, as iron-clad as the Ten Commandments and as inviolable, just more “thou shalts” and “thou shalt nots” to weigh upon people’s mortal souls. Those who fling these sayings around in an attempt to bolster themselves ultimately end up layering guilt and shame on top of their anxiety. My heart broke as I watched a friend do this to herself.

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